Work Out, Wipe Out

Scene: I found an old excercise “Boot Camp” DVD in my closet and had a sudden urge to use it, which, HEL-LO!, I haven’t had the motivation to work out since I found out I was impregnated. Like almost two years ago. Like, actually a bit before that. So when a miracle happened and I wanted to workout, I jumped on it.

I can only call it “baby pudge” for so long.

And as far as actually working out, let’s just say that the ugliest thing you can possibly imagine would have been prettier.

ACTION!: [Insert Exercise Boot Camp DVD into player]

Ok Amira, we can do this. It’s been a while since you even thought about pumping muscles, but we can do this.

Hi There! Welcome to Boot Camp, I’m your host Sherry Jenson.* Thanks for joining us today! Let’s get started with our cardio workout with some arm pumps, side to side.

Hello Sherry. You seem very chipper. This is a good start -nice and slow.

Yeah! You’re doing a great job! Now lets add some squats with each pump.

Squat and pump. Squat and pump. Alright! Bring it on Sherry– I’m going to be HAWT in no time. *snicker, snort, snicker*

Now let’s start our 30 second cardio-run. Let’s get those knees up and jog in place. JOG! JOG! JOG! Knees up!

I love jogging! (sweating intensified; shirt lacking any dry areas)

And 3,2,1! Good job everyone! Okay let’s lets take it down a notch and work on our middle and lower bodies at the same time now.

Look Sherry, one at a time. I can do ONE BODY SECTION AT A TIME.

Now lets shuffle side to side. Then add squats and jump up high after each shuffle.

Shuffle…Shuffle…Squat…(panting like an animal)

Elham runs in: “Did we get a dog?!”

And now let’s pick up the speed aaaaand SHUFFLE, SHUFFLE, SQUAT, JUMP!

Slow IS my top speed.

Good job everyone! Okay next get on your back and let’s bring right elbow to your left knee. Switch and repeat!

This is asking too much of the baby pudge.

Pick up the pace! And 1, and 2, and 3 go, go,go!

And 1, and 2, and 5, and G, and BIRD!, and 7, and  @#%!$ (a lack of oxygen reaching my brain)

(3 sets of 5 push-ups and T-stands later….)

And second to last, lets do 3 sets of  jumping jacks paired with two punches from each arm. So jump, jump, punch, punch -3 times! We’re almost done!

I CAN NOT BREATH. MY HEART. MY LUNGS.

Good job! Lastly, lets take it down slowly to do our stretches.

(———–flat lined————)

After my partial death unconsciousness, I somehow made it upstairs, and Heaven knows the freakin’ stairs have never been so long and so steep in all of my life, to shower and put my broken self back together again. Like Humptey Dumptey. Are you shaking your head in my cheesiness? I’m shaking my head, too.

I think I’m supposed to make all of this some sort of routine to “better my health,” but you tell me, internet, what good is health if getting healthy kills you first!**

* Her name is not really “Sherry Jenson”

**Although initially I lack the motivation to do it, I do honestly enjoy exercising. But what was depicted is an accurate portrayal.***

***That’s a lie.