To Miss Him

So it’s been almost a week since Saad left for school and it’s just now starting to really hit me that he won’t be walking through the door in time for dinner or that I won’t find him snuggled in the sheets with Aiman when I go upstairs. I made it 5 days ignoring that really heavy and depressing feeling in my heart.

But you know what? This isn’t the first time that he left for something this big, but it doesn’t get any easier to say good-bye or deal with the reality of our situation. For the last four and a half years of our marriage, there was nothing more that Saad and I wanted than to always be together wherever we are or wherever we go-we just had to be together and as long as we were, then all would be fine. But school, family, expectations, and now a new layer of responsibility with our baby is forcing us to face the one single truth that we’ve been trying to avoid for the last two years: we have to be apart for at least 4 months. This year alone. It’s such a long complicated tale, but just know that it sucks like nothing else.

The only reason I haven’t broken down crying  is because at least this time when he left, I have Aiman to keep me busy and running around. Last time I was all by myself and the reality was just that much harder to deal with. I thought “Well, surely, this time is won’t be as bad because I’m a mom! And I’ll be busy with Aiman, so I won’t have time to think about him not being here and I won’t be depressed about it.”

Wrong.

Like I said, I made it 5 days. And barely, really.

Five days! Which is nothing compared to 4 more months to go.

I don’t know if I can handle four more months because I feel like it’s already been four months. It doesn’t matter how busy I get, even with school starting next week, it will still weigh me down.

And it’s so selfish of me to lament on how much I miss him when he’s the one completely alone and having to settle in a place he’s not familiar with. At least I have both of our families here, but my husband? No, he’s completely alone and dealing with the last minutes stresses of getting ready for a new school and finances in a place where he doesn’t know a single soul. He’s one of the strongest and most resilient people I know.

I normally smell his clothes because, well, a) I love the way he smells and b) I just do that sort of thing. So I’ve sniffing some of the clothes he left here so hard that my lungs should’ve exploded. Then I realized that I might inhale all of his scent at once and there won’t be enough to last until he comes back and decided to ration it out until May.

MWOGIUHIO2UHORWJHGOJSBVNFFS!

Ugh, I just want him home. I don’t like this. I hate it, hate it, hate it, but it’s all for the better in the future and that’s the most important thing in the end. To build our future.

When Saad was here, my favorite part of the day was our mornings, especially weekend mornings. We’d all wake up and lay there talking or tickling Aiman or Aiman would usually wake up before us and he would climb on our faces and kiss us complete with “maah” (muah) sounds and buckets of drool while NPR broadcasted in the background. We’d start our day just enjoying our time being together.

Now? Well I maintain most of our traditions to keep things consistent for Aiman, but the same magic isn’t there. A huge chunk of our little self is missing and again, that sucks.

And yesterday when he didn’t call or email me I was a wreck with worry because I tend to assume the worst. I should stop being that way; it screams pessimistic like nothing else. Then thought that he might try to surprise us by coming down for the weekend and just hopped on the plane without telling me because he loves to do that sort of thing. I went to bed excited at the possibility of him being here this weekend, but the thought was crushed when I got an email this morning explaining that he was studying at the library. So, no plane. He’s not coming down for the weekend. Boo.

But he’s doing what he should be which is studying. STUDY STUDY STUDY forever! Actually it will be a running theme in our lives for quite some time for the both of us. So don’t act like all of this is a surprise, Amira. You knew it was coming, so just take it as it comes. Also, stop talking in third person.

But it’s okay because I have his clothes, his pictures, and his son here, so he’s somewhat here with me.

Aiman misses him too. The other day he saw a picture of him and lite up yelping “DADADADA!” And in another incident he fell down and starting crying and looking for Saad, which, just omg, stab me in the heart why don’t ya! Oh baby boy, daddy will be here soon. Kind of “soon”.

It broke my heart.

For the next few months, I’m going to follow Dori’s (from Finding Nemo) advise and just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

Hopefully water isn’t deep.