Last Spring I did not realize how incredibly suffocated I was until this Fall.
Last Spring I spent most of my time at home, caring for my newborn during the day and doing my school work throughout the night with online classes. Spending so much time at home forced me to turn inward, and in a way lose my ability to socialize. After all, I spent the majority of the time speaking to a baby, speaking to myself, or occasionally to other mothers, in which we usually spoke about our children. So yeah, not much diversity there.
I forgot how to make new friends and lost contact with old ones.
Then I returned to campus this semester for classes and in the process realized just how much anxiety it was giving me to constantly be around people again, whether I knew them or not. In fact, walking into our mega-plex of a library I noticed my heart rate shoot through the roof at the number of people who were in there. I was used to being alone and that gave me solitude. Yet at the same time I craved human interaction. But I was comfortable in being introverted. But, then again, I wanted to talk to somebody, anybody.
You see my problem? I’m some sort of conflicted hybrid of introvert verses extrovert.
At any rate, being on campus and around new and different people has really helped realized who I feel most comfortable with and, more importantly, how to be comfortable in my own skin. That realization also gave me the confidence to finally not give a rat’s ass about what people think of me or my opinions because unlike before, I’m now content in being alone, literally or socially.
I’m reaching out to people I would’ve otherwise not. I’m contacting old friends that I loved hanging out with. I’m letting go of ones that I feel are toxic. And I don’t care about who thinks what of me.
Other than spending quality time with Aiman, I’m starting to see another hidden blessing in being so isolated, and yes, to a degree it was my own doing, but I’m glad I had that time to be my own company.
It’s a small milestone and maybe not even worth mentioning, but I feel free.
And that feels good.
I think it takes a while, no matter how old you are, to get used to being comfortable in your own skin. Good for you to reach that point.
Well Trish, I don’t think I’ve reached it completely, but I’m definitely one step ahead from before =]
Yeah! “toxic friends” -best words to describe some of the people I know. Some “friends” are not worth the effrort. I feel you on that.
Glad to see you’re “maturing” and gaining confidence bc its the best ting you can do for your self-esteem.
Kudos!
Hey InsideOut,
Boy oh boy, sometimes I need to fumigate my relationships!
I used to be one of those people who hated to sit alone, eat alone, or be alone at all. However maybe because I’m too tired or too old, but now I’d much rather be alone or with a few true friends than surrounded with so many “no so true” ones.
It’s wonderful when you can live your life without the need to be liked by everyone because it’s impossible and learn the worth of a few close friends. I tend to think parenthood kind of brings that about as well.
Good for you and I thought your post about breast milk and when you pumped in the restroom was the most honest to God truth of what lengths mothers go to sometimes. Now I have an idea of what my wife might have went through. It was also very entertaining to read.
Hey afather,
I think you’re totally right about parenthood bringing about a new sense of self and confidence. Yet, at the same time I feel like it can also be very isolating if you let it be. So it’s sort of a give and take; a balance is needed.
That breast milk post is funny in retrospect, but at the time I was just plain crazy about having to dump the milk out!
Glad you liked it! =]
I love being alone, but found one of the first things I had to do as a new mother was to form a little group. I also have to leave the house everyday. It was shocking to me because I thought for sure I would want to never leave my house and thought I would love being alone.
Huh.
You know what cagey? I wish someone had told me how much sanity you would save by leaving the house everyday. It was just stifling to stay home all the time.
I thought about finding a playgroup immediately too, in fact I read about how it could help deter PPD, but I just wanted to find other moms.
Funny how your situation with motherhood changed your perspective about being alone, but I think it happens to a lot of women! =]
good for you Amira