Hidden Lessons

They say that having a baby will change everything, and if there’s one sickeningly true cliche, it’s that one. It changes your life, perspective, friends, thought process, even pooping. Your body will respond to not only your own offspring, but even to someone else’s.

In fact, in the first few weeks that your milk comes in, I challenge any mother to not leak when hearing a baby cry within a 5 mile radius.

I know I did.

One thing that I don’t think anyone can be fully prepared for is the change that the parents will undergo, not just in becoming parents, but even as spouses. Your impatience with one another will reach new heights and for some, the division of duties will bring up a big-ol’ cans of worms that were never considered before.

I just changed 23532 diapers and cleaned up 133 puddles of vomit today, how about YOOOUUUU do something!?

For me wearing just the ”mom” hat was much easier than wearing the “mom”, “wife”, and “student” hats at the same time.  I can respond to my baby, it’s instinctive. But to respond to another adult? Not so instinctive. Respond to other responsibilities that I have? Not so instinctive either.

I built up a lot of resentment towards my husband, although he didn’t really deserve it. It was more of the circumstances we were facing with him having to work, having to study, having to provide, which left me with the brunt of parenting. I hated feeling like I didn’t know what the hell I was doing most of the time and I really, really, hated that my school work was so damn demanding when I didn’t want to do any of it.

For months I was on autopilot and just getting through the day without being in the moment. Yesterday felt like so much lost time and tomorrow, like a daunting task to accomplish. Perhaps it was the adjustment to several things at once or my nativity in what I expected, but last semester was the hardest and most life altering five months months of my marriage and life.

In retrospect, staying at home most of the time and not having much adult interaction did plenty to suffocate me. I either talked to a baby or talked to myself, and most of the time, it was to myself.

Similarly, nothing can summarize how stressful it is to introduce a new life into a relationship between two people already trying to build their own life together. Even those couples who’ve been together for eons and know, love, accept,  whatever, each other are not immuned. It’s a strain that takes a lot of practice and patience to relax. On the same token, getting through the dirty work of making. it. work. together. will help you realize how much you didn’t even know you loved that person to begin with.

My husband watching Aiman while I’m at school has helped us appreciate each other’s responsibilities more than any talk or crying session (more on my part) ever will and has finally -finally!- given me the break to regain my sanity and myself. I come home eager to see my two most beloved men and I love that feeling.

Just now, nine months after Aiman has graced us with his presence I feel like things are finally, dare I say it, falling into place. Our marriage has matured from two young kids in love into two young adults with a (chubby and drooling) product of their love and commitment to one another and the rough mechanics that I struggle with to make my life less wrinkled are oiled more frequently with the day to day lessons I learn.

And you know what? I still don’t know what I’m doing, but I am, finally, okay with that.

Having a baby did change evrything.

But I wouldn’t want it any other way.